


He's Got Your Phone

by QuintessenceA



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Reader-Insert, Schadenfreude, Self-Insert, Underfell Sans (Undertale), just for fun, weird comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24548062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuintessenceA/pseuds/QuintessenceA
Summary: You, multishipper extraordinaire and fine connoisseur/virtual hoarder of all things Kustard (and more) have just discovered your phone has gone missing. Maybe Sans has seen it. With all the nsfw art on it, you really hope not, but even if he did, of course he wouldn't snoop, right?
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	He's Got Your Phone

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if anyone but me will enjoy this, but I tried to be funny and it was fun to write. And good practice too, 2nd person present tense is a real beast! I think I finally got all the errors now :D 
> 
> Why does this happen? How does this world occur? Cue nervous shuffling and vague "I dunno" noises.
> 
> So… yeah! Reader has her/she pronouns for the few times it's needed. Hope you get some laughs!

You'd just finished an indescribable lunch with Papyrus when you realize your phone isn't in your pocket. You give yourself a mental shrug as you wish Papyrus good luck on the rest of his shift. It must still be on the table at the house, you decide, and turn your steps back towards Snowdin.

As you enter the house you can see that the TV's on, with Sans lounging sideways on the couch in front of it. His back is towards you, and he's playing on his own phone.

"Hiya, Sans," you say as your eyes roam over the table and the pet rock in search of the elusive device. Sans doesn't respond to your greeting. Nope, it wasn't there. Oddly, Sans hasn't said anything yet. Maybe he's fallen asleep with his phone in his hand again. 

"Hey, Sans?" You say a little louder to get his attention. "Have you seen my phone?" Your eyes trail across the floor towards the couch. Maybe it fell out of your pocket while you were with Papyrus? That could be bad, you didn't have a lock screen in place, if it was stolen…

"uh, yeah. I have." There's a weird edge to his tone. No. Oh no. 

Your eyes snap to him as your heart leaps up into your throat. Sure enough, as you take a better look at what he's doing, from over his shoulder you can see it's YOUR smartphone in his grip. Even at that distance, you can tell he has the gallery open, and the color blue dominates the little screen. It's your downloads folder. He calmly swipes his thumb across the screen and you stare, momentarily frozen in disbelief as the picture switches to someone a little more… Red.

With a frantic cry of horror, you launch yourself across the room, hands out to snatch away the offending object. 

You miss, of course, as you crash into the suddenly empty couch. It rocks alarmingly under the force of your impact.

"dang," Sans calls from the kitchen. You pull your face out of the cushions to see him lounging in the archway, his gaze still fixed on the phone, your phone, as he continues to casually thumb through the lewdest images of himself you'd been able to find online. He's got a bored smile, but then again, he always does. "so close yet sofa."

"Sans!"

"you know, you should be careful with that," he says in mock reproach. "it's a chair-ished antique."

"Sans, please, it's not what you think," you plead, frantically tumbling off the couch and onto the floor with all the grace of a one-legged rooster falling down a staircase. 

That gets him to finally look up at you. He quirks an eyebrow ridge up, but other than that his expression doesn't change from his normal grin. It was frustrating as hell, those bones barely moved. The only time you could even think to use the word animated to describe him would be when talking about his brother. Everything else was a mystery. You hadn't even seen him open his mouth, and were beginning to think he couldn't.

Internally you curse all those writers that made you think reading Sans's face would be easy. 

"it's not, huh? really? well then, what exactly am i supposed to think about… wait, hold on. lemme pull it up again." He swipes back a few times as you crawl to your feet. "yeah, here it is." 

Holding the phone face out for inspection, you can see the picture displayed was one of your favorites. A shiver inducing piece of amazing art, with the pov from below, looking up at him. The grin was wicked, jaw parted and a hint of blue tongue running over sharp eye teeth. His left eye shone a bright blue, matching the magic wreathed around his right hand… and also matching the glowing cock drawn in his left. 

"b'cus to tell you the truth kiddo, i'm not really sure what to think here."

You groan, covering your face with your hands. "I didn't draw that," you say, but it's a weak defense at best.

Sans laughs. "nah, didn't think you did. there are waaay too many art styles goin' on here. though, uh, you definitely seem to have your preferences, huh?"

Yep, the world splitting open and swallowing you whole is your only hope now. You remember the time your friend, half-jokingly accused you of having Sans as your "favorite bitch". Well, you couldn't exactly say she was wrong.

"gotta ask though," Sans says, his voice rising in curiosity, "who's the red guy? he's kinda hot."

You look up at him through the latticework of your fingers to see if he was kidding. Sans wasn't a slow monster by any means (sedentary was a completely different adjective), and you were sure he'd already figured it out. But on the off chance that he hadn't…

"I-I have no idea." 

He very obviously rolls his eyelights. You were a terrible liar. 

~~~

You had the feeling that Sans hadn't believed you when you told him how rough of a universe Underfell could be. That maybe he thought you were exaggerating, or perhaps even making the whole thing up. 

Why would you think that? It could be because you were currently standing on the Fell brother's porch, nervously scanning for threats that Sans apparently couldn't care less about.

As it turned out Sans does have a machine, and he'd said that theoretically it worked. Then, after ten agonizing minutes of pulling details about said Alternate Universe from you, he claimed he could probably reach it.

He'd pulled you to his workshop, and had executed a series of codes and programs into a large monstrosity of a machine while you desperately tried to tell him that 'no, this was a bad idea', and 'we're both just free exp in that world'.

But did he listen? Not even a little bit. With utter confidence (or the greatest bullshit mask you've ever seen) he marched right out of the foreign basement and, after a quick glance around, right up to the Fell Brother's front door.

You followed a bit more furtively, hiding against the house before dashing after him. He was waiting for you, his head tilting towards the door.

"well? aren't you gonna knock?" He asks, and you shake your head.

"They probably aren't even home," you say reasonably. "We should just go back before anything happens."

With frustrating casualness, he shrugs, looking back towards the town. "if they aren't home, i 'spose we could always go check Snowdin? or the woods"

With a grimace, you accept defeat, raising your hand to knock gently against the door. It barely makes a sound, and no one answers.

"Looks like we've done all we can do," you say, turning on your heel. "Let's go ba- ack!" Before you can get away, Sans casually grabs you by the back of your shirt, and despite being half a foot shorter than you, he easily pulls you back. You face the door again, shooting Sans a pleading look that he completely ignores.

He reaches out himself, rapping 'shave and a haircut' onto the wooden door. There's a small sound that might be a snerk of laughter from the other side, but the door stays shut. Sans's smile gets a little bigger, and he knocks twice. 

"knock, knock," he calls to the door.

To your surprise, there's response.

"who's'ere?" 

The voice is deep, rougher than Sans's. It sounds like he smokes a pack a day, chews gravel and bites. It's honestly everything you'd ever wanted in that voice. 

Sans steps back. "well?" He asks you expectantly, and you stare back with all the comprehension of a cat asked to play piano. He raises a brow. "aren't you going to answer?"

Oh. Oh!

Honestly, you should have seen that coming. It's a door, with a Sans on the other side. Your mind instantly goes blank. You know a hundred knock knock jokes, but at the moment you can only think of one… 

"LETTUCE!" You cry out, needlessly shouting the first joke that comes to mind.

"…lettuce who?" Comes the gravelly reply.

"Uh…" Oh boy did you feel stupid now. This was such an old, childish joke. Why brain, why?? "Lettuce in… we're freezing?" 

There was a long moment of silence as you feel his judgment through the door. Even Sans was staring at you, you could see his gaze in your peripheral vision as you stared at your shoes.

"…uh huh," his voice said simply. "joke ain't terrible, but ya really need'ta work on yer delivery."

Yep, you blew it. Fell Sans thinks you're a hopeless idiot. Which you are, but hey, you had hoped to keep up the pretense of at least being a little competent.

Whelp. Can't get much worse than this. Maybe if you ran off into the town, someone in Underfell could stab you through. You'd die, or Reset. Either would work for you, at this point. Hell, if it'd trigger a Reset you might just pull out and stab your Soul yourself, right here, right now.

But with your luck, both Sanses probably remember Resets. Then you'd be an idiot multiple times over. Probably better not to risk it.

Fortunately, your buddy has your back. Sans steps forward again, calling out, "she's got weird porn of you!"

As you gasp, you hear a choking sound from the other side of the door. "wait, what?!"

That was one way to get his attention. 

"Oh God, kill me now," you whisper, dropping your face into your hands. That self-Soul-stabbing idea was looking appealing again.

Slowly, you hear latches coming undone from the inside and you look up as the knob turns. The door opens slowly, and there he is, all fangs and red eyes. 

Underfell Sans. 

Staring up at the red-faced human and her amused skeleton accompaniment standing uninvited at his door, he just watches you with narrowed eyes and a dissapproving scowl. You freeze, holding your breath like maybe the predator won't notice you if you're still enough.

Beside you, Sans gives a little wave. "heya."

Red eyelights shift away from you to focus on Sans and you start to breathe again out of necessity. 

"so…" he drawls, sizing up your Sans with a glance. Unlike his blue counterpart, Red opens his mouth to speak, showing off every one of his truly monstrous fangs, and they are so, so much sharper than you imagined. The gold one especially. It draws your eye, mesmerizing as it glitters in the weak lights around you. "what's this about porn?" 

And just like that you're snapped out of your teeth based daydreams. 

Sans holds up the phone. He has it ready. It's an animation. You try again to silently will the ground to crack open and swallow you up. It refuses.

Red watches for a few seconds before bursting out in a rough laugh. "ha! the fuck is that? what are- are those tentacles? someone's sure gotta rich fuckin' imagination."

Sans's grin is fit to split his face if it goes any wider. "can we come in? she's got loads more, heh."

"yeah, whatever," Red says, moving into the house, with Sans on his heels.

After one last look towards town (and the relatively quick end to this it offered) you follow them, shutting the door behind you and being careful to only look at the ground. Wow, what an interesting pattern the wood grain has! And that carpet, uh, wow! 

You hear Red throw himself on the couch, and then the softer sound of Sans dropping down casually beside him. The rest of the house is silent. 

Risking a glance up, you see the TV is off, and likely to stay that way judging from the hole pierced through the center. Red catches you staring at it. 

"keep meanin' to get it fixed," he says, flicking a wrist at it. "but... eh, y'know, it's a hole deal."

"hey, check this one out," Sans says, grabbing Red's attention by holding the phone out between them. "i guess we're favorites?"

Red leans over to look, and it was actually rather unfortunate that his face was a lot more expressive than Sans's. His mouth opens in shock, his eyes widening at whatever image Sans had decided to share. 

"you? and me?" He asks, bringing a claw up to press against his face as he shakes his head in disbelief. "man, the shit people come up with. gotta say tho', i look pretty damn good in these."

Sans makes a dissenting hum. "you look like you bite."

"'s 'cus i do," Red says with an overly suggestive brow wiggle.

Your Kustard hopes were crushed as Sans's expression made it brutally clear that he did not, in fact, ship it. As Sans thumbed through the images anyway, you watched Red's eyelights move side to side with the shifting gallery until one finally made him bust out laughing. 

"flowers?" Red asks once the laughter subsided. "why am i giving you fucking flowers?"

"and you're blushing. you almost look cute," Sans says with a chuckle.

"'n that's how ya' know it's fiction then, ain't it?" Red counters back, but he's smiling. 

So, Operation Unanswered Door was a major bust. You were in the house now, and as if having the skeletons know your deepest darkest fantasies about them wasn't bad enough! You didn't need both of them knowing the fluffy depths of your shipping too

"wanna see what she's got in her bookmarks?" Sans asked.

Oh God, they were trying to open your bookmarks... Fortunately, the Undernet doesn't connect to the Internet. Haha! No signal here! 

But, what if they pull up the downloaded stories? Curse Ao3 and its super user friendly interface!!

Or worse... They get into your writing app and see YOUR drafts. That folder might just make the outright porn seem like not a problem at all. Damn it! You should have listened to that comic about Fluff Police Papyrus when you had the chance!

Well, now you got all the more motivation to get your phone back. *Act, *Sans, *Talk, maybe?

"So, the battery on that's gotta be getting pretty low, right? I should take it and go put it on to charge." Smooth. Real smooth.

Two sets of eye lights, white and red, lift to look at you. 

"Seriously," you say, putting your hands up in a little shrug. "What's really going to be so interesting on that anyway?"

As one, they both look back down to the phone. Fair, with an attempt like that, you wouldn't listen to you either.

"nah, i'm good with these, keep going," Red says to Sans, ignoring you completely. He pointed at the screen. "wait, go back. why's yer skull got a hole in this one?"

"dunno," Sans replies, leaning in for a closer look. "eye's red too, isn't that your thing?"

"No, no, no!" You interject quickly. Last time Sans got curious about an AU you both ended up in Underfell. "Trust me, you do NOT want to know about that universe! It's eat or be eaten! We would DIE there!"

Sitting back, Sans looks up, lifting an eye ridge at you. "that's what you said about this universe, but somehow we're not dead."

"Well, no," you admit, "but I'm going to attribute that to the fact that we haven't encountered this Universe's-"

"SANS! Why Is The Door Unlocked?" Came a very loud voice from the doorway.

Papyrus. Shit.

Bursting inside like an incoming storm, Edge was the picture of a terrifying monster. Tall, dark and sharp, you froze before him, only for him to freeze at the sight of you.

Slowly, a smile spreads across his long fangs. You really, really wish he wouldn't.

"Sans, I Can Hardly Believe It. You Finally Caught A Human!" He says, loudly, as he resecures the door.

Barely paying attention, Red shrugs one shoulder before jerking a thumb at the monster beside him. "not me boss, he brought her."

Edge glances at the two of them, and you tried to step back only for red eyelights to immediately snap back to you. You can practically feel the LV coming off him. 

"S-Sans?" You call out helplessly.

Your so-called friend chuckles. "sorry, buddy, you're on your own for now. play nice, would you?"

Quick as a striking snake, Edge reaches out to snatch you up by the shirt front. Your legs dangle helplessly as he lifts you to eye level.

"before you go, though," Sans calls back, "i think you'll want to see this." Beside him, Red begins to cackle like a mad man.

"f-fuck!" He wheezes. "hahaha! boss! oh fuckin' stars, i can't! i fuckin' can't!"

Edge's jaw drops open as he looks past you to the screen. "What. The. Everloving. FUCK IS THAT?"

You struggle to twist enough in Edge's grip to see what has their attention. Over your shoulder you can see Sans has turned the phone to reveal some rather explicit Spicyhoney. 

In which Edge is most definitely NOT the top.

Sans looks like he's about to break with how hard he's holding in his laughter. "no, wait, wait, -snerk- that's the wrong one, it gets better. as you'll see, it's the _best_ ," he snickers, leaning heavily on the last word. Pulling the phone back he quickly starts swiping through images again as he gives Red a sidelong glance. 

Oh, no, he couldn't mean…

Red returns the look, his sharp smile curious as he asks, "it can't possibly get any worse'n that, can it?"

"i guess that'll be for you two to decide. it's all about you, after all," Sans says cryptically.

Concern replaces Red's amused expression. "wait, what do you-?"

"ah ha, here we go!" Sans interrupts, passing the phone over for Red to hold. "i forgot it was it's own subfolder."

No! Noooo!

"fellcest?" Red asks, reading the folder name. "the fuck is that?"

"Please, Mr. Papyrus," you beg, looking into Edge's inscrutible sockets. "If you could just take my soul now I'd greatly-ack!"

"Quiet Human," he said, giving you a small shake. "Open It, Brother."

Red taps on the icon, and his entire skull instantly turns bright red. As Edge bends down to see, Red makes a series of unintelligible sputtering noises, and that's when Sans loses it, wrapping his arms around his middle as he breaks down in laughter. 

"oh, oh man. this is glorious!" He exclaims, barely able to breathe. Apparently his jaw can open, as he desperately sucks in air, eye squeezed shut in delight.

Edge takes in the sight with surprisingly less reaction than you were expecting. 

"Well," he says grudgingly. "I Suppose If I Had To Choose It Would Be You, Brother. At Least I Force You To Bathe Regularly. The Angel Alone Knows The Last Time That Ashtray Saw Clean Water."

That makes Red laugh back in surprise.

"aww," he coos with false sweetness, "no love for the honeybun, ey boss?"

Wait. WAIT. Ashtray? Honeybun? Hold the fucking phone!

"YOU KNOW!?" You shriek at Sans, twisting with a movement violent enough that Edge nearly drops you.

Straightening from his doubled over position, Sans looks up at you, sockets still crinkled with mirth and wearing the biggest shit eating grin you've ever seen in your life.

"oh yeah, the whole time." Looking up to Edge, he shrugs before saying, "sorry Edgelord, but i'm going to need her back. she's with me."

With a frustrated exhale, Edge set you back down on your feet, and you instantly whirl on Sans. 

"better watch out, Sansy," Red teases, poking Sans in the side. "looks like the kill-or-be-killed attitude is starting to get to her."

"Oh my God!" You shout at Sans as Edge walks off into the kitchen, obviously having had his fill of the three of you. "I thought we were going to die!"

Red waves your phone in the air, offering it back to you.

"yer kinda a freak, ain't ya?" He asks. You take it, blushing furiously and Red laughs again, but it's kinder this time.

"don't get me wrong, sweetheart, i ain't sayin' that's a bad thing," he says, smiling wickedly. He pulls a phone from his inventory, big and black with a very large, only slightly damaged screen. "y'should see what's on mine sometime. or better yet, how about Sansy's over here? he's a big fan of karma, after all."

Sans's expression doesn't change, but at the suggestion you notice a distinct drop of sweat beginning to run down from the crown of his skull. "heh," he says, "not much of interest on that old piece of junk. just some bad jokes and work notes."

You have no reason to think he's lying, except for the fact that he's a lying liar. What was on his phone? Karma huh? More like Retribution!

"hey, human i got a question," Red calls to you, breaking into your thoughts. Cautiously, you look up to face him and his smile is a dare. "fuck, marry, kill, three of us edition, go."

Easy. And since he asked…

"Fuck you Red, because, duh," you begin, and Red preens just a little, leering at Sans. "Marry Edge, because he's the only adult here." There's a huff of agreement from the kitchen. "And that leaves…" Your eyes drift to give Sans a weighted look.

"ouch, betrayal of the cruelest form," he says dramatically, putting his hands over his chest. 

You nod, crossing your arms and giving him a mildly stern expression. "Yeah, but you can't say you're expecting anything else after taking my phone."

He puts his elbow on the couch, resting his chin on his fist, completely unrepentant. "might wanna consider putting a lock screen on it, yeah?" His eyelights drift towards the kitchen and he calls out, "Edgelord? how about you? fuck, marry, kill?"

"Kill. All Of You!" Edge shouts back, and the three of you share a laugh.

"aww, c'mon boss," Red wheedles plaintively. "that ain't how you play."

"I'm Not Playing!" Edge states forcefully, his voice accompanied by the loud clanging of pots. "I'm Making Dinner! And If You Two Freeloaders Are Planning To Stay For It You Had Best Speak Up Now!"

"so, pal," Sans asks you with a soft grin, "dinner, huh? what do you say?

You look to Red and he smirks. Then he pulls something out of his pocket and shakes it over to the side where Sans can't see. It's a blue phone, and it's definitely not Red's. 

You give them both a huge grin. "Oh yes, dinner and some just desserts. It sounds absolutely perfect."

The startled look on Sans face when he checks his inventory is something you're going to treasure forever.


End file.
